What we wouldn’t give for our family relations and friendships to be richer.
For our leaders to give us more chances.
For our clients to rely on us consistently through the years.
We often find ourselves wondering…
Why aren’t they confiding in me?
Why aren’t they straightforward with me?
Why don’t I get more from them for all the effort I’m putting into the relationship?
It could be that you are only listening on one level.
Listening like that won’t build the trust you’re looking for.
In this post, I’ll show you three levels of listening* and how to level up your listening in the relationships that matter.
The people you love and work with will feel heard.
You’ll understand their position with greater clarity which will show you how to help or what to change.
And that will lead to the connection and trust you want.
But WAIT!
Before we dive into the listening levels, let’s look at what listening really is.
Listening is not hearing.
1. Listening is thinking about what you hear.
Therefore, listening is not automatic. It is not guaranteed.
2. Listening is about focus.
What are you paying attention to?
I am “listening” to music as I write this post.
Nope. Not really.
I’m hearing music as I write this post.
I’m paying attention to—listening to—the thoughts in my mind about listening.
To learn better listening skills is to learn where to focus when hearing someone’s words.
And that leads us to the first level of listening…
Level 1 Listening: Internal Listening
This is the default listening level for most of us.
It is self-focused and self-serving.
When we are level 1 listening, our focus is on our reactions, our opinions, our responses, and our strategy of getting what we want and avoiding what we don’t want.
Our thoughts during level 1 listening are like:
What does this mean to me?
How am I going to respond?
How will they take it? What would that do?
How do I feel about this?
Don’t they know how this affects me?
How can I persuade them?
This level of listening is not immoral or wrong.
You must think this way to interact as yourself.
However, if you only listen this way, your relationships will not grow deeper in trust.
How could they?
Level 1 listening only connects you with yourself.
Level 2 Listening: Focused Listening
Level 2 listening takes our thoughts away from ourselves and toward the other person in our conversation.
You may think to yourself, “I am focused on others! That’s why I’m listening to them in the first place.”
That may be true, but…
Intending to help others does not automatically shift our thoughts toward them.
We’re still thinking about how we can help or what we can say to persuade the other person to think differently to help themselves.
Level 2 listening is different. It requires intentional focus on the other, not the self.
Think of it as intentional curiosity.
Our thoughts during level 2 listening are like:
What are you conveying?
What are you saying and feeling?
What would cause you to think that?
What do you want?
What do you need?
What do you need me to know?
There is no judgment of the other person at this level.
It is a determination to take interest in the state of the other person.
And this builds trust because level 2 listening sends a reassuring message to those you are listening to.
“When you listen intently and consistently, the message you are sending is, ‘You are important! What you are saying is important. You are a person of great worth and what you are saying is worth listening to. I believe you can figure this out.’”—Tony Stoltzfus in Leadership Coaching
To level up your listening to level 2, intentionally ask yourself and the person you are listening to the questions I listed above without judgment.
When you receive the answer, get curious about it.
Ask a few more non-judgmental questions to understand them before going back to level 1 listening.
Level 3 Listening: Global Listening
Level 3 listening is intentional awareness of what’s going on around you and the person you are listening to.
It’s noticing the noise, the mood, the energy, and the body language.
It’s intuition that senses what’s happening around and within you both during the conversation.
It’s listening to what’s not being said.
This level of listening keeps us grounded in the moment and aware of the conversation’s effect on you and the person you’re listening to.
That awareness is vital to decide what to propose, what tone to use, and what to adjust in the future with that person.
Those who feel overwhelmed even thinking of this kind of listening, let me encourage you.
It can be practiced and improved.
To level up your listening to level 3, take note of facial expressions, body postures, and how certain rooms, topics, and situations affect people.
You’ll soon notice patterns and become good at global listening without distracting you from level 1 and 2 listening.
Now, to those that think global listening comes easy or natural to you, let me warn you.
You may think you’ve listened well because you have a gut feeling about how someone thinks, how they feel, and what happened in the conversation.
It’s tempting to skip level 2 listening because level 3 is either easier for you or your surroundings are so distracting that it takes all your focus.
Remember, this level of listening is subjective to your interpretation of what you sense around you.
It is not as reliable as what you learn with level 2 listening.
Mastering all three levels is a life-long pursuit.
Don’t give up on your quest to really listen.
The connection and trust you’ll gain in your relationships will bring peace, productivity, and satisfaction.
Contact me here if you’d like coaching to level up your listening.
I’m rooting for you!
* The concept of these three levels of listening come from Laura Whitworth, Henry Kimsey-House, and Phil Sandhal in their book Coactive Coaching. The content I present is my own and they cannot be held responsible for my content or point of view.